Recently I had a conversation with a friend about her snark. I keep my snarks in a pantry, in my backyard, underneath the tree where I hang my cheapshots. She was considering getting rid of her snark, and finally we arrived upon the decision that I would send her five, fresh and crinkly snarks. Snarks, being quite snarky, depend upon chickens and thrive best in an environment that is replete with chickens. So, of course, i can’t send anyone five new snarks unless they have a chicken for me to put them in.
My usual barter for a small chicken filled with fresh, newly minted, and incredibly jagged snarks, then, is exactly one self-addressed, stamped chicken. iizeeuna, an apparent foreigner to the ways of snarks and chickens, perhaps mired down in his (or her? I really don’t know, it was twitter for frabjulous’ sake
That was a stupid sentence, so I stopped writing it. No. You didn’t misread it. It ended without a completed thought.
I suppose that therein lay the secret to catching chickens. One must be nimble of mind, quick to abandon poor choices, and loathe to take the bother to cleanup after oneself – if one wishes to do battle with chickens.
Perhaps, let us first begin with the definition: A chicken is a dreadful, dangerous beast and is defined as the only proper container in which a snark may be transported. Mind you, snarks are not CREATED in chickens, they are only merely stored inside of them (they strike the chicken on the outside, and sink in slowly over time). It is the existence of the chickens that instantiates the snarks. For it is so dense in matter and form, that the bright shapely gestaltedness of a snark can only be preserved forever deeply within it.
Further more, neither the USPS nor the FedEx will agree to transport snarks in any other container. They are far too toxic if left to float and meander about and be left to their own devices.
The etymology of the word “chicken” has its roots in ancient egyption. This was their word for the country “Turkey” and is the sourse of much confusion in children regarding the separate species.
Further to that, the word combines many words to make the one. It is a portmanteau of the word “Chickadee” and “Monster that hath twice the fury of a woman scorned of which hell hath no fury + a 17 witch coven” the latter being a very long word that is broken up by spaces in order to make it more legible and is also, coincidentally, a transliteration from ancient swahili for “Bad ass dude with a big trident”.
The source of this transliteration in the ancient texts is apparent : one must have a big, big giant, three pronged TRIDENT (lord help you if you get the 3.2 pronged kind!). You will use the trident to catch the mighty chicken, for it is a cowardly, yet formidable beast and a worthy foe of anyone in a loin cloth. In fact,it is only permitted to hunt chickens while wearing a loin cloth. Further outerwear will render your efforts ineffective. If one is female, then one must pursue the chicken topless (I apologize if this offends, I do not make these rules).
To attract a chicken. one must first have incredibly crinkly and jagged new snarks. If you don’t have any, perchance visit your neighbor, snark cup in hand, and beg to please borrow a fresh new snark. Be sure to dress in a manner of a Lord or a Lady, for the common man always has fresh snarks a plenty to lend to the aristocracy.
Now, take your fresh snark, and walk about the streets of your town. Avoid the shadowy places. Go to the light, to the crowds, where people are gathering and having fun. Twirl your snark about your fingers, and laugh wittily. All the while, cast about to the periphery with your eyes. Halt your snark mid-twirl…there! you see the chicken. It’s eyes are cast low and it may be whispering to another chicken (they invariably travel in pairs!).
Approach your quarry with your snark in hand, held high above your head and, as the chicken is distracted (nay, paralyzed!) by the awesomeness of your snark, drive your trident down and over the wretched creatures neck.
Take great care not to kill it!! Killing chickens is intolerable behavior. After all, they have caused no harm to you, nor can they! They are far, far scarier to behold than to actually fight. Once you have your chicken captured, gently and carefully cram,shove, pound your fresh snark into its mouth. Watch as the snark migrates from the chickens mouth into its brain. Once the snark reaches the fowl creatures brain, you may suddenly be amazed (stunned speechless!) that the chicken actually begins to shrink. Do not react to this! if you react in surprise, the snark will burst free from the creatures maw, utterly wasted, and the chicken will expand to be TWICE its previous size and more frightening than ever!
Assuming you haven’t fucked this part up, place the proper amount of postage on the chicken, address it to yourself, place it in an envelope addressed to me, and when i receive it I shall insert FIVE – YES FIVE! – shiny new snarks into various cavities of the chicken and then drop it back in the box for you.
Now that an understanding of the beast has been fully cultivated, you may begin your pursuit.
At the end of it all, once you have received your chicken from me, you may notice that the chicken has MORE than FIVE snarks. It may have become “snarkified” and begin producing snarks for you, all on its own!
This process is called transnarkification, a process that is both likely and probable. Watch with amazement as the chicken shall emerge from the shadows and abandon its wily, sneaky, terrrorific ways. It shall embrace you, and your snarks shall pass through it with ease, for it will no longer be a chicken! It will be a man! Or a woman! Whatever. Could be a puppy too.
(WARNING: not all chickens transnarkify with just five snarks. Anything less than the use of the highest quality snarks may result in a disappointing outcome. Use of a virtual trident spear is highly recommended as most states frown upon the actual pinning down of chickens with actual, large, multipronged weapons.)