Scott’s Theory of Relationship and Social Imminence
1. Never call more often than you see in person
This is a no brainer and it is also a great way to filter out the crap people from the good people. Desperate people call a lot.
2. If your text message goes unanswered, you may only send one additional text per year that you have “known” someone. By “known”, I mean in the carnal sense.
In other words, if you have been “knowing” someone for 10 years, firing off ten unanswered texts in a row is perfectly acceptable. Annoying as hell, but acceptable.
3. If he gave you his phone number, delete it after the first call. You can get it again if he calls back. There is no excuse to call twice with no face-to-face in-between.
4. NEVER DATE A MAN WHO THINKS HE IS PRETTIER THAN YOU ARE!
If he looks in the mirror more than he looks at you…Does this really need an explanation? Clearly a dude that commandeers his rearview mirror while he drives needs to be thrown out of the car (stopping first is optional). As for men that use product and pluck their eyebrows? Or use eyeliner? What the fuck!? I suppose he will want cuddle time, too, right before he runs off with your gay hair dresser.
5. You know everything that he needs to know about being in a relationship with you. Don’t let him tell you differently. If he ever pulls the “We need to talk…” line, walk away. Don’t hesitate. Just turn, and walk away.
6. When men do it, they call it “stalking.” When women do it, they call it “marriage.”
The best stalkers stalk their prey silently, from afar, and give up if it is too elusive. Their prey never even know they were stalked. Ever.
7. There is no problem that a blowjob can’t fix—except a bad blowjob.
8. If something breaks, he’d better get out the tool box. He doesn’t have one? Run. Away. He’d better know how to fix broken things and move heavy objects or he will become the butt of your every joke and you will fuck the pool boy. At least he knows how to handle his pole! After all, if he can’t work a screwdriver, he probably can’t work his built in tools either. This is especially true for men who are fabulously “successful” and have great, white collar jobs. They might be over-compensating.
9. Women fake orgasms, men fake feelings.
Like it or not, deny it, try to defy it, resist it, argue against it, don’t accept it, but when the time comes, you will come to the light and know the truth. Generally, men just don’t have it in them to care about anything for longer than it takes them to kill it and eat it or to try and stick their dicks in it, which is about 15 minutes. Male emotions are pre-programmed battle responses. They are a form of weaponry. Ask a man what he is feeling and immediately he begins to look for the door. Love is not a “feeling”– it is a verb (a wise woman told me this). Love is totally different and is real.
10. At the first sign of trouble, get out.
11. Never make plans further ahead than you’ve known each other.
That is the simple rule for traditional dates, such as going to a movie, going to a party (mutual friends), a concert, etc. When family is involved, it gets complex. Suffice it to say, making plans to meet family members should be weighted by time in relationship and the closeness of the family member (only meet the parents as a last resort!).
Appendix – social media
1. facebook is for friends only, and permanent relationships. End of story. If you decide to begin dating someone that you know through facebook, the best thing you can do for him and you is unfriend him. It would be like friending parents of students. It’s just a bad idea.
NOTE: This guide is based entirely on the experiences of the author and anecdotal evidence. No formal studies have taken place. Nor will they. Now go out there, and “have fun”. Studies have shown that people that fun more are happier and that an increase in fun activity by people who are fun would actually lead to a decrease in the incidences of fun transmitted diseases (always fun responsibly, use a fundom!).
*no actual science of any sort has been cited, quoted, or even ever read by the author of this article, who also happens to believe that oral sex is the solution to all relationship problems in the world today.